The Belle: Opening Up and Growing Up

I only really thought about the 'travel' part during the program orientation in our school. I didn't really care about the work. I was already thinking of where I'd go, what I'd do, what I'll eat, what I'd do for fun while I'm there. This program is credited as 500 hours of internship in our school so it's killing two birds with one stone. I get to travel and I get to finish 500 hours of internship.

It's a long process of filling up a resume, applying for a job, doing the job interview, applying for a visa, and looking for flights. As the day of my flight approaches, school requirements kept piling up and I was too stressed out to even get excited. And actually, two days before my scheduled flight, I also had a scheduled minor procedure in the hospital. At the airport, my feet were too sore from several days of wearing high heels for defenses and I was feeling weak from the lack of sleep but finally, I was excited. What was waiting for me in the US?

All throughout my flight, I was already thinking of just focusing on the job I'm handed. Because if I did, then I'll have more money to travel after the contract ends. I already had everything laid out. Saving my money and just staying in the house on my days off? Get a second job? Maybe the occasional treat of trying some restaurants around the area? Going to the beach as soon as it gets warm? My head was full of plans and all of them were swirling in my mind. But you know what? None of them was what I imagined.

I got my job in Virginia so the weather around mid-March would be really cold. Coming from a tropical country, it was freezing cold for me even if I'm already wearing four layers of clothing. I expected this and I actually even dreaded it.

My first two weeks was hell. I disliked my job, I lived in a crappy apartment, and the weather was too cold. But I knew I wasn't the only one living the crappy life. I think the one reason I was able to enjoy anything at all was because of my co-workers who became my friends. Until now, I'm thanking my lucky stars that I was able to get to know them.

Those first weeks, I only really had one motivation in mind while working, "I get to travel with my hard-earned money!" It was never in my plan to make friends and meet new people although that was what the program was all about. All my closest friends know me as a closed door. Since I started college, it was hard for me to open up myself to anyone. And when I did make friends, there were a few I really trusted.

Then one day, I realized how miserable and unhappy I really am about everything. I kept up this mask that my life was okay, that I was happy, but really, I wasn't. Because I was continuously searching for answers. So why was I miserable and unhappy? I thought about it and I realized it wasn't because of the circumstances or the situation I was in. No, I was actually the problem. If I can just stop myself from that routine of ignoring people and stressing about life, then I would actually be enjoying myself. I would be happy. It was then that I decided it was time for me to open up.

In a lot of ways, opening up made me realize a lot of things I never knew about myself. I learned a lot from the people I met. I know that with some of them, there weren't really great experiences but that's how I learned. Not all of them stayed in my life but I know I learned something from them and for that, I'm grateful. The only thing I'm really sad about was how these experiences were cut short. I realized too late how time flew really fast when I was already having fun.

Most realizations and life lessons I had were about myself. I realized how immature I really am, how weak I really was contrary to what I was showing people, how I haven't really experienced life, how wrong my beliefs were, and how much I'm really missing. I'm not pretending that I already know everything about life but what I do know is that I got to know myself more. I'm not yet halfway there but at least I already started to really pay attention.

This program I was privileged to be in, going to a country I don't really know anything about, words can't express how grateful I really am. I know I have a long way to go but this was the start.

For me, those four months there, it was the beginning of my opening up and my growing up. I guess it helped that I was living independently in a country very unlike my own. It was like an unplanned soul-searching.

So even though I didn't get a second job, even though I didn't get to see the cherry blossoms in DC, even though I only went to the beach on my last night there, even though everything I planned out didn't really push through in the end, everything that happened there?