He said, "I have bad news."
I didn't know that it meant something deeper.
I didn't know that it meant getting my heart to start beating,
And to start feeling,
In the past, I used all my efforts to stay away.
I hid and never went beyond what I find comfortable.
But it was a new adventure.
I wanted to try and be free from that place, my zone.
I know that to see the world - to explore,
I need to find it in myself a way to get out.
The first time we met,
I saw him coming towards me with that hazel eyes
And bright smile.
There goes the beating.
There goes the feeling.
It was strange.
It wasn't new but it felt like it was.
I haven't felt like that in a long time,
And that was the feeling I was so afraid of.
I started to feel nervous.
I couldn't look at you straight in the eyes.
I asked for signs.
And they were actually given to me.
You'd hold my hand and I'd feel so warm.
You'd kiss me and I'd feel so alive.
Sitting down on the sand, at the beach,
Looking at the horizon and hearing the waves,
He borrowed my glasses,
Asked me if my eyes were brown,
And kissed me.
We laid down on the sand,
Gazed at the twinkling stars,
And argued if the brightest one was a planet.
New feelings.
A warmth and happiness I haven't felt in a long time.
So of course I was confused.
Of course I tried to analyze every sweet thing he does.
Of course I became afraid again.
I'm so afraid of falling that it makes me miserable.
I was the one letting myself feel down.
Why can't I just take the chance and go with it?
It's that fear that overtakes every good thing.
I realize that now.
The last time we met,
He asked why I was quiet,
Why I was looking at him like that.
I answered because I don't see him that much.
But what I really wanted to say,
"Because I feel like I won't see you anymore."
And I didn't.
I really didn't see him anymore.
I don't know what I was to him,
And I don't think I'll ever find out.
It started with him saying bad news,
And I'm going to treat it like it isn't,
Like I'm not feeling the pain.
Because at least after feeling nothing,
After being numb for a long time,
At least now I know my heart's still working,
It needs fixing,
But it's working.
Here's what I want to say,
And I imagine staring into his hazel eyes,
Thank you for letting me feel that warmth.
Thank you for making me happy even for a little while.
Thank you for helping me get out of my comfort zone.
Thank you.
And now with this, I'm saying goodbye.
It's already fading from my mind.
Your hazel eyes.
Labels: Thoughts